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Nov. 11th, 2010

catch a rain

Because there are still beautiful things...Goodnight, Mr. Ray Melton

"She Likes The Weather"

Life is simple. Life is sweet.
Oh, so saddle up and go.
Little cowgirl, in the underground,
she talks to people she doesn't know.
Oh, people on the train to Eden
The circus girl, after all the rodeos,
she settles down alone.
She planted flowers in her basement
so she has a little color when the sky runs low.
She likes the weather today
She said "It's raining' in my head"
All of the flowers I've raised
Come up a little cloudy
Life is bitter. Life is cheap.
The cowgirl settles down alone.
Yeah, ten years out of Eden now
She's got a little garden of her very own.

The Price We Pay for Wings

...and I can no longer speak.

Nov. 6th, 2010

catch a rain

Writer's Block: So much for counting sheep

What do you like to do when you can't get to sleep?


Jan. 23rd, 2007

catch a rain

enlgish class today

I would like to apologize for this and everything to come after. It is all time-lapsed and has lost almost all of it's feeling. Everything is still true; It's just not completely whole any more.

So, here's a bit of journalness for you.


In english class today, I felt lost. Not lost as in I didn't know where I was going, but lost like I didn’t know where I was.  I understood that I was in a classroom and that there were people around me, and I understood what we were talking about (Hamlet, of course, I understand Hamlet.) but what I couldn't understand was where I fit into all of this. Was I on the inside looking out at all them, or was everyone else looking in on me? I am really on the outside of everything and everyone? Have I finally distanced myself that much and is this kind of cold, objectivity really what I’ve been trying to achieve?  I wonder if I were on the outside looking in on them, if I would be as compassionate.


I thought I had the answers to these questions already, but when I compare how I feel now to how I’ve felt before, I know that all my answers mean nothing. I’m too young to have any solid moral foundations. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t started building, though.


Anyways, in class today and especially when we were reading I felt so on display. I love Hamlet so much. The play and its words have become so much a part of me that it’s second nature for me to answer questions in quotes. I endure only because I know that there are words to describe how I feel and that my emotions aren’t solitary to myself. I might not have created my own words yet to describe these feelings, but some else has and I am not alone for feeling this way. Hamlet, to me, is one of the beautiful things in life. And when we were reading in class today, I felt like everyone in the room was seeing a deeper part of me. They were finally going to understand something that is fundamental about me.


But, of course, not a single person in the classroom paid attention. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, was like “Ugh, Hamlet. It’s so boring.”


Typical teenagers. Too lazy to even try to understand something that’s bigger than themselves all because they’re scared that they might actually learn something. J


Jan. 22nd, 2007


blue morning, blue morning

Looky at me! I'm still doing this. 
This is completely crazy, but I'm smiling so I guess it's okay.

Well, to put a little journal-ness in here, this was my day:

Last night I didn't get to sleep until a little past two in the morning because I couldn't stop thinking. I can hardly remember what I was thinking but I remember that my stupid little head went on an insane tirade about every injustice that the world and I have supposed to have endured.

I remember condemning my pre-cal teacher for not actually teaching us anything more than the instructions on a microwave pizza box and charging my principle for the failings of our education.

I remember going on a crusade to every place where people were dying and I beg them to understand that no matter what the game, no one wins at war.

I remember spinning words for stories that I’ll never write because I can’t remember the stories anymore.

I just remember bits; I met her in the middle of the maelstrom; He took shelter there, from everything and everyone; She could paint you an ocean, but she couldn’t paint a sea.

I knew last night that all these things were pointless, unreal and definitely caused by my lack of sleep. 
But that didn't matter. I still thought them and I couldn't sleep for them. 

It all eventually came back around to my stupid worrying about school and all the people that I know, don't know, and how much I wish things were different. 

I do this all the time and I really shouldn't.
But most or the time I would rather just fictitiously stand up against all the slings and arrows instead of having to really face them.

Anyways, my actual day today was very normal. Woke up at 5 a.m. and hit the snooze three times before I actually decided to put that smile on.
Got to school at around seven and met my boyfriend. The usual; I love him and I think I could be in love with him but I'm just not.  I thought maybe tomorrow will be better and I'm still waiting for it.

Then I saw my best friend. She always makes me happy to see her. I feel like we could be sisters sometimes because I love her like my family. I know she'll always be there for me and I hope that she knows that I'll always be there for her. 
Then I saw my other best friend and I love her too. She's another one of my wishes, but that's for another day.

After that classes started and everything moved in the usual haze that it does of tests, hellos, deadlines, musical chairs and bells.

So all in all, today wasn't so bad.

Three Random Things About Me

I don't want to waste my life.
I want to go to Boston.
My biggest fears are humiliation and my own self.

Jan. 21st, 2007


crush a daisy for me, please

This is to LadyNemo, whoever you are and where ever you are; Thank you and I sincerely hope that you are happy and well. 

Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense.  
I want to make this all go away and to disappear.

I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things always get worse before they ever can get better.

But I'm ready to change.


Sometimes I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. I wonder if they like their jobs, or us. 
I wonder if they're happy.  And sometimes I wish it for them, but other times I just wonder how smart they were when they were sixteen.


Then I look at the thousand other students around me and wonder who’s had their heart broken that day and who doesn't want to live their lives and why. I wonder how we're able to cope with all that we do; Tests, essays, futures, finances, friends, and friends who would be lovers if the elitists would only believe that we could be. 
Or maybe if we were only braver.


Why does it all have to be so personal? It's much easier not to know sometimes.


The only thing I know for sure is that the seasons keep changing and friends leave and life never stops for anyone. It makes me want to laugh or get mad or to just shrug at how strange everything is.


I think that the idea is that every person has to live his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives in front of yours and call it love. You just can't. You have to do things and be things. And you have to do and be them for yourself.


So, I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am.  I'm going to find out who that is. And I'm not going to be ashamed of it.


We could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of other people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn't know.

I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. But maybe it's always a little different.
 Maybe everything is really just a matter of perspective and you have to actually be there to know something.


I want to know the difference. I'm finally ready to change.

And the Crows deserve a thank you too. Merci.

Blue morning, blue morning.
All your life is such a shame, shame, shame.
All your love is just a dream, dream, dream.
Open your eyes.
You can see the flames of your wasted life.
You should be ashamed.
You don't want to waste your life.
So, change, change, change.


Edit - Sometime in the future:  Everything above was written by stephen chbosky. I remember searching the author out the next morning. And driving the hour to the books store the next day...Atleast somethings never change.

Jan. 9th, 2007

catch a rain


I shouldn't be doing this.

I know I shouldn't be doing this.

It's late at night, I have college homework to be doing and I have to work tomorrow. 
That's not to mention a silly, country line dancing class that I'm taking with my mom. (God, save my sanity. I think I might've enjoyed it.)
But these are all excuses aren't they?

They don't tell you that I haven't kept up with all of my other journals. They don't tell that I change 'Who I Am' at a drop of a hat. And they certainly don't tell you that I've lost track of the number of 'journals' and 'myspaces' that I've had because I've lost track of the number of people that I've tried to be.

So, here I am again; making promises and commitments that I only ever half-wish to keep.

The truth about me is that I'm horribly vain and think that what I have to say actually matters. And the other truth (Because everything has two edges. I've learned this much, if nothing else.) is that I'm too afraid  and too lazy to say what I think. I don't want to fight people or make explanations.
I just want to be.