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catch a rain

November 2010

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catch a rain

enlgish class today

I would like to apologize for this and everything to come after. It is all time-lapsed and has lost almost all of it's feeling. Everything is still true; It's just not completely whole any more.

So, here's a bit of journalness for you.


In english class today, I felt lost. Not lost as in I didn't know where I was going, but lost like I didn’t know where I was.  I understood that I was in a classroom and that there were people around me, and I understood what we were talking about (Hamlet, of course, I understand Hamlet.) but what I couldn't understand was where I fit into all of this. Was I on the inside looking out at all them, or was everyone else looking in on me? I am really on the outside of everything and everyone? Have I finally distanced myself that much and is this kind of cold, objectivity really what I’ve been trying to achieve?  I wonder if I were on the outside looking in on them, if I would be as compassionate.


I thought I had the answers to these questions already, but when I compare how I feel now to how I’ve felt before, I know that all my answers mean nothing. I’m too young to have any solid moral foundations. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t started building, though.


Anyways, in class today and especially when we were reading I felt so on display. I love Hamlet so much. The play and its words have become so much a part of me that it’s second nature for me to answer questions in quotes. I endure only because I know that there are words to describe how I feel and that my emotions aren’t solitary to myself. I might not have created my own words yet to describe these feelings, but some else has and I am not alone for feeling this way. Hamlet, to me, is one of the beautiful things in life. And when we were reading in class today, I felt like everyone in the room was seeing a deeper part of me. They were finally going to understand something that is fundamental about me.


But, of course, not a single person in the classroom paid attention. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, was like “Ugh, Hamlet. It’s so boring.”


Typical teenagers. Too lazy to even try to understand something that’s bigger than themselves all because they’re scared that they might actually learn something. J